The drive back to Santa Fe from Los Alamos was a melancholy one. I’d just wandered around the little town on a plateau a few hundred feet above Santa Fe, seen the big high school, the golf course, the gated federal research facilities. Just before, I stopped at the Bradbury Science Center which documented the development and use of the atomic bombs against Japan during World War II. I read stories from people at Los Alamos who helped create the atomic bomb, I read letters from the public figures who executed its usage. I stood next to exact replicas of both of them.
The scale of the event and its historical significance has been debated and documented extensively. But one struggles to get beyond the fundamental ethical dilemma it presents, of the best and the worst of humanity all wrapped into one (or in this case, two) moment(s).
As I drove down 502 and then turned onto 84, I’d been listening to one of the podcasts I regularly follow called This I Believe, a series of essays by notable people initiated by journalist Edward R. Murrow. It played in the background but I soon found myself going back and listening more intently, finding not only some basic framework with which to analyze my hypothetical, but also a view of faith, of humanity, and of purpose that resonated thoroughly with me.
Wallace Stegner was highly regarded for his work on the American West. He won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 1972. He died in Santa Fe in 1993.
Everything Potent is Dangerous
It is terribly difficult to say honestly, without posing or faking, what one truly and fundamentally believes. Reticence or an itch to make public confession may distort or dramatize what is really there to be said, and public expressions of belief are so closely associated with inspirational activity, and in fact so often stem from someone’s desire to buck up the downhearted and raise the general morale, that belief becomes an evangelical matter.
In all honesty, what I believe is neither inspirational nor evangelical. Passionate faith I am suspicious of because it hangs witches and burns heretics, and generally I am more in sympathy with the witches and heretics than with the sectarians who hang and burn them. I fear immoderate zeal, Christian, Moslem, Communist, or whatever, because it restricts the range of human understanding and the wise reconciliation of human differences, and creates an orthodoxy with a sword in its hand.
I cannot say that I am even a sound Christian, though the code of conduct to which I subscribe was preached more eloquently by Jesus Christ than by any other. About God I simply do not know; I don’t think I can know.
However far I have missed achieving it, I know that moderation is one of the virtues I most believe in. But I believe as well in a whole catalogue of Christian and classical virtues: in kindness and generosity, in steadfastness and courage and much else. I believe further that good depends not on things but on the use we make of things. Everything potent, from human love to atomic energy, is dangerous; it produces ill about as readily as good; it becomes good only through the control, the discipline, the wisdom with which we use it. Much of this control is social, a thing which laws and institutions and uniforms enforce, but much of it must be personal, and I do not see how we can evade the obligation to take full responsibility for what we individually do. Our reward for self-control and the acceptance of private responsibility is not necessarily money or power. Self-respect and the respect of others are quite enough.
All this is to say that I believe in conscience, not as something implanted by divine act, but as something learned from infancy from the tradition and society which has bred us. The outward forms of virtue will vary greatly from nation to nation; a Chinese scholar of the old school, or an Indian raised on the Vedas and the Bhagavad Gita, has a conscience that will differ from mine. But in the essential outlines of what constitutes human decency we vary amazingly little. The Chinese and the Indian know as well as I do what kindness is, what generosity is, what fortitude is. They can define justice quite as accurately. It is only when they and I are blinded by tribal and denominational narrowness that we insist upon our differences and can recognize goodness only in the robes of our own crowd.
Man is a great enough creature and a great enough enigma to deserve both our pride and our compassion, and engage our fullest sense of mystery. I shall certainly never do as much with my life as I want to, and I shall sometimes fail miserably to live up to my conscience, whose word I do not distrust even when I can’t obey it. But I am terribly glad to be alive; and when I have wit enough to think about it, terribly proud to be a man and an American, with all the rights and privileges that those words connote; and most of all I am humble before the responsibilities that are also mine. For no right comes without a responsibility, and being born luckier than most of the world’s millions, I am also born more obligated.
More This I Believe